A Beginning

Lately I've felt a little confined, a little clausterphobic, and slightly lonely. When you don't have a lot of friends, it might be nice to be able to say what I want via a blog and feel like I'm actually talking to someone. This summer has been wild and extremely eye-opening for the most part. Lots of new things happening, lots of new beginnings, lots of changes...all things I wish I had a little direction on. I mean, people who've went through these things before or this age in their lives should be writing like a pamphlet or something about what to do, when to do it, what doesn't work, how to move on, where to start, or what the next step is. I wish somebody could tell me the answers because I'm sick of guessing. And failing. Everytime I get back up on my feet, I just fall back down, everytime. ugh, it's all so depressing.

So, it sounds like I hate my life, right? Wrong. I really don't, I promise. In fact, I really am happy right now. I have one more semester of school, which means one more semester of being completely poor. I really have the best roommate in the entire world, my sister, who for the most part has kept me alive. I have parents that support me no matter what. And I have a guy in my life that means more to me than anything and everything, and that I get to see every single day when I come home from work and wake up in the morning. I mean really, what can I complain about?

I don't know though...I still wish I had those directions. Almost every decision I've made in my past has ended up wrong, I've made more mistakes than I can even begin to count. Life is so full of changes, I never imagined it would be this difficult, I never imagined growing up would hurt so bad. I've spent a lot of my life wishing I was something else or wishing I was a certain age, experiencing something different, constantly looking forward to tomorrow instead of working on things that I needed to learn in the today...I wish I hadn't spent so much time wishing.



'I was starting to see that the past might color the future, but it doesn't determine it.'
--"Harvesting the Heart" by Jodi Picoult